lock the door

the years stretch out 

i close the door

another task 

another chore

five years past and gone

maybe more

have i lost myself

in the mundane

the strong bolt turns 

pin tumblers slick

i think of nothing

that's the trick

to still the thoughts

that poke and prick

and keep me safe

from the truth

if i can forget

tomorrow won't come

where all the hopes

and fears are from

and all the things

i haven't done

might slowly and softly

creep away

orphan thoughts

i hold a small life in my hands

it moves, it breathes, it purrs

its days are numbered this is one

as it runs to two i think of others

this winter season ending time

a parent lost a loved one gone

a moving breathing life silent

just as i was once held

the arms that hold me hold no longer

though you may become the one

who holds the small beating life

you are never ready to be an orphan

when you can no longer nestle

find security in a strong embrace

the sun still shines and the day is three

counting down to eternity

i hold the little fur ball closer

four of how many days are past

i grasp life in this fleeting moment

as Dillard ironically noted

instead of holding on to rocks

my orphan heart seeks others

small lives to snuggle close

until the day is done

early evenings

the darkness comes early

lasts longer than light

the cold's in the bones

there's no will to fight

the waiting seems endless

with false hopes and turns

when finally you grasp it

it no longer burns

'tween shadow and starlight

you can't find your breath

the glow of the sunrise

like waking from death

the sunshine breaks through

the golden leaves shine

for a moment you're lost

for a moment you're mine

but mostly the clouds

grey and heavy with rain

pour lead in your soul

sound an endless refrain

is the thing that you long

worth the price that you pay

can you live with the cost

at the end of the day

when the ache overwhelms

and you've nowhere to go

i'm holding out hope

where the rain turns to snow

so blow on that flame

when the night is too long

wrap your love with a bow

i'll come to your song

risk

I sit beneath the soft moonlight

I cannot see so far

yet what I see is clear as dusk

and heavy as a scar

another dream has turned to rust

I shudder at the chill

to think of what there might have been

if I had climbed that hill

the walls around my dead-end way

seem silent as the grave

until I glimpse another’s path

and how I might behave

in daylight’s green unhealthy hue

life seems to be unfair

until I wake beneath the glow

find sober thoughts are there

so struggle on I know I must

leave envy to the rear

alone or not one path I’m given

to shine reflected here

the risk is great each passing hour

to love to leave to stay

a simple word a gesture strong

and fears could melt away

but moments pass and silence stays

perhaps it’s for the best

no one can know what each day brings

beneath this moon I’ll rest

unless someday the question comes

I’ll know then what to do

until my heart has found a home

to one thing I’ll stay true

periphery

it's hiding just outside

the limits of my view

I'm sensing but not seeing

like something I forgot

but never quite remembered

I grasp at aural light

concretely insubstantial

I wake with vague discomfort

false scenes disturb my rest

these moments never happened

left emotions strongly felt

if I went right the way was left

and so I doubt my path

a million tiny options gnaw

it's not regret I whisper soft

insidious voice is more

what ifs pristine and white

cloud castles in the air

like stories shortened early

they might have ended well

instead of endless epics

that tell of failures vast

I wish when lights are dim

this feeling I could shake

accept my lot the one I chose

and leave the rest to God

walk with me

sometimes the way is damp

although the stream is dry

and when I hope for some kind word

the people pass me by

the trees that shade the sun

breathe chillness in the air

and though I long for warmer days

fall's coming everywhere

when down the path I ran

you lagged a ways behind

but when I slowed you sped ahead

what did you have in mind

the faces through the years

some stay while others go 

if winter's frost were tempered down

they could relax I know

the road can stretch for miles

so lonely is the way

my steps don't match the friends I've had

and I've no place to stay

but in the stillness deep

the whisper still can come

the narrow path is worth the risk

the ending lies at home

glimpses

i'm right i'm sure

and here again

until i see

your face and cringe

no matter how

i try to be

i cannot win

your sympathy

for others feel 

your softest gaze

yet never can

i bend my ways

enough to be

who you desire

to earn your love

avoid your ire

you're not the first

won't be the last

while i have breath

i can't get past

to be myself

to please someone

the paradox

can't overcome

i pause and gaze

up at the sky

the evening stars

are standing by

i hold my heart

then let it go

safe in the thought

of what i know

someday i'll find

that i can be

all that i dream

eternally

uncertain times

pieces of color patched together

noises and horns distracting voices

things i forgot to do

the morning is over the day almost gone

maybe tomorrow something will come

i'll remember what

items in order on small scraps of paper

litter the table and fill up the basket

lists i should get done

thirty seconds a drop and another one passes

videos of humour and other folk's lives

maybe i can skip that

closing my eyes as the summer sun sets

wondering if the road leads anywhere soon

i'd like to know

empty long days interspersed with flashes

moments of beauty i'm caught unawares

somehow i'll make it

folding my fingers to see just a glimpse

perspective beyond these restless hours

i'm almost there

maybe what lasts isn't measured by numbers

currency of legacy in different weights

things i hope to see

feeling the heavy settle into my chest

while lightly i tread through uncertainty

now i'm letting go

blue day sunshine

it's summer now

the bee proclaims

as lazily he flits

from blade of grass

to flower bright

and all the bluebirds sing

the robin finds

a tasty worm

as tender berries ripen

the hummingbird

sips nectar sweet

with wings as fast as lightning

I drink it in

the long warm days

that whisper endless idylls

the nights of dreams

what-might-have-beens

that fade away by morning

but in the wind 

I sense a note

this moment cannot last

the days grow short

midsummer's past

and winter's round the corner

why is it so

in joyful times

my heart a shadow feels

though sunlight's strong

and breezes sweet

I cannot rest for long

it's summer now

the bee proclaims

yet in my eyes is fall

the rain that comes

the winter brings

and all the birds are gone

Adieu St Stephens

the winter sun glows kindly

through coloured windows soft

panes testify to ages past

130 winter suns come and gone

the dust shivers on sturdy beams

as the organ plays one last song

temporary braces still standing strong

as voices pass into memories

who will remember the passion

pews retired to halls and gardens

partitioned rooms where choirs sang

altars whisper of vows forgotten

the eve of the end casts shadows

can an empty space hold pain

once full of hope and life

now reduced to begging favours

the door shuts slowly firmly

what fills one and not another

keep the lamp stand in the midst

bring your first love home

the darkest time of year

the birds flee swift 

their sights on sun

the trees shiver bare

their leaves all gone 

to dens beasts shuffle 

and sleep til spring 

my blood runs cold 

at what long nights bring 

I raise my arms

and stretch a strand

small fragile bulbs

from out my hand 

such weak defence 

against a foe

who gobbles day

and makes light go

those twinkling sparks 

remind my heart 

that though it seems 

like all is dark 

time will fly on

and in the end 

the dawn returns 

to rise again 

scars

my finger traces the lines 

broken flesh sewn together

signs of healing never forgotten

no longer smooth

skin once soft and supple

now split by a jagged line

interrupted peace roughly torn

but stronger now

a bit of broken glass

a curious toddler's reach

now a white streak on a pink palm

remember when

longer wider shows one

tracing the shoulder blade straight

marks of a surgeon's skill and care

diseases battled

hidden from my keen touch

deeper lie the unseen breaks

whispered words that burn like fire

just yesterday

I marvel looking close

between the cracks I see now

a light come shining through my scars

becoming glory

anon

your face across the crowded room

unexpectedly there

a peaceful walk among the trees

where I expected storms

my heart leaps I move to greet

a thought stops me anon

I am mistaken

like the warm sun on my face

comforting like a lazy summer day

until the chill autumn winds

belie its pleasant dream

something in a stranger's eyes

the echo of your gaze

I miss you

could I stop the shortening days

the mix of love and loss

season following empty season

without you near to me

my smile like fading daylight

greets each passing visage

masking lingering heartache

as years stretch on and on

turning time

I sat outside your window 

and hoped the light would glow 

without a cry

life’s passing by

and like the day it goes 

through winter’s silent hours 

and spring’s precocious way

my heart has ached 

as if she’d break 

to know what you would say 

the zephyr warmed my face 

as summer ushered in 

long days of fun 

beneath the sun 

before fall rains begin 

each season keeps on passing 

like seaweed on the sea 

beneath the crash 

that’s roaring past 

my heart longs just to be 

I know it’s not forever 

as moments pass me by 

I’ll shed a tear

but stay right here 

you’ll someday heed my cry

the window near my head

will finally open wide 

I’ll see your face 

feel your embrace 

and know that peace inside 

so though the shade is down 

as nighttime follows day

incline your ear

and reappear 

to drive the dark away 

hindsight

at just this moment a light comes at once 

bursting and soft from the corner of my eye 

obstructing my view and between yesterday 

and always i can see right now with clarity 

beyond tomorrow with all the what ifs and 

maybes floating down like the house of cards 

they are as in wonder i glimpse what lay down 

the fork in the road knowing the dark thorns of 

heartache and loss grew there as sure as if 

i had walked it though i chose the other way 

that i thought might be forsaken and at this 

same moment i find it was actually paved 

with roses and i find gratitude arising for 

the wounds i did receive that brought growth 

and no regrets and while i miss some of the 

yesterdays i know always is close and i wrap 

right now around me as i lift my hands to the light

June Gloom

the longest day and a year half over

a chill down my spine

like the echo of December wind

as hopes become dreams

help my unbelief

the wet blanket of marine air

dampening activity

shutting summer down

so many wishes blown out in joy

grumbling gratitude

rose petals and cottonwood down

a carpet of dying comfort

plentiful food tipping the scale

as guilt rides in on the insulin rush

my thoughts multiply

July crashes in with pyrotechnics

the beginning of the end in denial

distracted by a kaleidoscope of colour

until the gloom of June fades

like a cloud of witnesses

gazing into a blue sky of forgetfulness 

the light intoxicates with clarity

an inexorable change like the grim reaper

rides on the smell of woodsmoke

remember me

ningún espacio

entre tu y yo no hay nada

suspirar espirar motas de piel muerta

pero tengo dificultades de cruzar

si pudieras ver a través de mi cara

con todo el agua bajo el puente

por un momento cerrar los ojos

confíame

creer que podemos tocar los dedos

sin plexiglás a bloquear el paso

dejar todos los armas de discordia grande

cuidadosamente construido

encontrar harmonia y amor

donde no hay ningún pared

canta

a veces hay algo en ti y pienso

que veo esperanza en tu alma

quieres también silenciar las mentiras

destruir las fronteras con espinos

entrar en mi mundo como yo

ando con gracia en tuyo

cree

in the sunlight

i've never counted life in years

moments like pearls on a strand

time doesn't pass it lingers

alive in each encounter i hold

fully here yet missing in a memory

i wander with eyes wide shut

looking around the next corner

for something i lost but never had

surrounded in the sunshine with wings

a thousand butterflies on fire

my life is a story someone is telling

the next page will not turn

i must await the reader's cue

so much glorious heartbreak in a word

ahead the light is shining brightly

the next moment will be silver-lined

the choice once more

time and again I watched you walk away

though you wore a different face

the message was the same

friend, lover, family, foe

you shook your head and went

and I was left alone

I see it in your eyes each time

the wrestle to believe

I stretch my arms a little wider

and will you not to go

I know I'm an eagle

in a world of ostriches

but you could fly too

choose to embrace the heart I offer

know it wants His best

He'll catch us when we stumble

a thousand scars testify

the only unbearable thing

is if you decide not to love

as broken as I feel I won't relent

each new face holds hope

I'll consider my heart well-spent 

little foxes

it's the door just left cracked open

to a whisper of the night

when the darkness seeps in slowly

and puts out a little light

it's the voice that says stop trying

after all you know the end

and behind that smiling face

you no longer see a friend

it's the thought you entertain

that perhaps it's time to go

take your battered heart away

lean in to the fears you know

it's the melancholy morning

when you slip back out the door

tell yourself how strong you are

when your dreams lie on the floor

it's the times you choose to stop

wrap the barbed wire round your heart

turn away from those who love you

grasp the lie and stay apart

but the glimmer of a prayer

for a hero at the gate

kills the foxes that destroy

before it's now too late