on blondes...

...also known as telling on myself.
'tis the season for foolishness and lately it has struck me how God made me with a laugh tucked in His mouth. I am, humbly, fairly intelligent. school was fairly easy for me and i can do most things that involve brain energy...well, easily.
but some days i am very blonde. blonde in the sense that i open my mouth and find that either my brain disconnected momentarily or i am just plain silly in certain areas. i say things that, well, defy explanation. here are some examples:
"would you like me to put on a pot of hot?"
(in response to discussion about portugese-speaking countries) "yeah, like the dutch east indies company!"
"all birds are carnivores."
(to a friend's grandmother who was concerned about his upcoming trip) "yeah! that's where the tsunami hit the worst!"
(this made the room go red) "it is possible to know a person in the biblical sense."
"my hair dries naturally."
yes, those are some of the infamous moments. and recently i've realized it is God's humorous way of keeping me humble in the area of my brain. i mean, if i can make such idiotic faux pas, how can i be proud of my intelligence? it's merely one "false step" and i have opened mouth, inserted foot.
but i have learnt to laugh at my blonde moments and realize that God is pretty good to have given me such a fun speech impediment...and to have made me blonde, albeit a dirty one at that!
=D

fun for monday

just a little messing around with a story scene...thought i'd try something other than poetry for this monday (yes, i'm posting on sunday b/c this monday i have to work).

Michael never knew what hit him. He walked out of the anteroom, looking for Anne’s green eyes to reflect his readiness to leave this place. Overstaying his welcome never appealed to him, as people responded well to his cavalier attitude when it came in small doses. Anne knew this, and kept herself ready for his quick departures, although he knew she often wanted to stay longer. From across the room, he saw her face light up as she saw him enter, although in an instant he detected a mischevious note in her face, not a good sign for an early departure. 

Before he could think of the reason for her quirky look, James put his arm around his shoulder. Michael, always ready for a hug responded and then felt James tense and try to pull him to the ground. Wrestling! Immediately their bodies kicked in instinct, and the fight began in earnest. Michael never stopped to ask why James would bother to tackle him; why at this moment when things had been going smoothly he would try to conquer him and show his greater strength, no, he merely fought back, passionately, intensely, like everything else in life he put his whole heart into the frivilous spat.

Lost in the moment, he forgot his desire to leave, to be done with this evening and all the nuances. He gave himself up to the task, moving and grasping, trying to get a good hold on James’s wiry frame. James always relied on squirming around, hoping his quick moves would tire out the stronger opponent. Michael, knowing this, focused his strength as a bulldog, working each hold to full advantage and pressing James toward the floor. 

Dimly, Michael heard Anne call out a warning as they neared the edge of the balcony, but even her eyes had been lost in the consuming focus of the match. The scream, which followed a sense of weightlessness stopped his heart for an instant. In that instant, he realized the edge of the balcony no longer supported his feet and he prayed. The arms that caught them felt like angels and they scrambled back up with thanks beating in tune to their hearts.

can it be?

i stand beneath

a sky of glass

reflecting back

my aching gaze

beyond the mirror 

i know there lies

a different view

i am seen

and heard

and understood

but still i stand

my cries like images

thrown up

fall back

upon my eyes

i turn to silence

as if by still

i can move

break the glass

see the sun

"...God left him alone only to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart." 

II Chronicles 32.31b

curiosity

round a corner

down a trail

finding secrets

hidden info

pouncing on facts

stalking knowledge

the tasty meal

a mousy treat

my prey and I

our delicate dance

all seems well

until

it's gone too far

8 down, 1 to go

scrub. spray. wipe.

i clean bathrooms. i have seen more brown stains than i care to remember, smelled more foul odors that turn stomachs, and learnt more about people's toiletry habits than i ever wanted to know. it has been a humbling job to have, and this week i realized it's a metaphor for my life.

some days it seems that as much as i clean, the stains never go away. and anyway, in a few minutes someone else will use it, dirty the sink, fill the garbage and i will have to start over again. and thus in life, i work. i pray. i try. i try some more. and then someone says something and i respond incorrectly and i am doing the very thing i hate.

sadly, i know by the very attitude that of course i need to clean more bathrooms--it still hasn't worked; i'm still not humble yet. so i guess it's His faithfulness, when i say "but, God..." and He says, "scrub." "but i have a Masters!" "spray," He replies. "but there must be something more noble, more useful, more stirring, more something!" and He points to the rag, "wipe."

some days all i want to do is run away. from the people i love. from the people who love me. from everyone else. but i clean bathrooms. maybe i will never do anything else. but if i die humble, maybe in the grand scheme of things it will be worth it.

butterfly

i knelt

in a field alive

colors dancing

still

almost breathless

as he tripped

his merry way

hesitating

unsure

my face new and strange

then suddenly

he lit

upon my arm

trembling feather

a moment of trust

before

he fluttered away

several random thoughts

*i really enjoy JJ Heller's music. the concert was awesome and listening to one of the cd's i bought...wow. check out these lyrics:
"Your Hands"
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

*it is great to worship. especially in a new place, with new people, away from the problems...

*snow in march in portland is just plain weird.

*bus drivers who have had too much caffeine are funny. "i had my coffee and a rock star! i'm doing great" "wow, you used 2 big words! i only expect monosyllabic words from people in the morning" (note that this was at 11.15am, not early)

*seattle's best is not the best.

*sleep is good.

when love fails...

One of the ironically beautiful things about the way we human beings were created is our capacity to love and our insatiable need for relationships. The barb comes as we fail time and again to be successful at the constant stream of lives that weave in and out of our days. In addition, a myriad of things constantly tempt us to put love for others and God aside in search for health, happiness, and money. In the movie, There Will Be Blood, the characters face Greed and fail to choose rightly.

Lord Acton said, "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." The two main characters find the power that comes through greed and gaining what they want destroys them. In their search for selfish gain, to be lords of their own lives they find that in the end they are merely slaves, willing to give anything to get what they "need".

The protagonist, Daniel Plainview, has come to the place in his life where he believes humans are worthless. He claims to only see "the worst in people" and desires enough money to get away from everyone. At the same time, he claims to be a family man to an orphan boy, masquerading him as his son. His only tender moments come through his desire for this child to love him unconditionally, and tears at learning of his estranged brother's death. People are merely tools, means to the end of gain. He is fair, mostly, because he enjoys people begging and being indebted and he realizes that to play fair can be used to his advantage. In the end, he gets what he wants: enough money to push everyone away, to see all his enemies fallen...but he cannot gain the subservience of his "son". He spends his days in a drunken stupor, perhaps to numb away the awareness that what he desired did not bring fulfillment, but rather emptiness.

Only the other side of the coin smiles Eli Sunday, preacher to a cultic "Church of the 3rd Revelation". At the beginning, he seems to be truly passionate about his church, but his true ambitions show through quickly. Desiring people to follow him--regardless of their sincerity and heart motives (evidenced through his acceptance of Daniel as a convert)--he thirsts after the money to make him a big preacher. He has enough insight to discern where people hurt, revealing Daniel's insecurities about his "son", and he thinks that everyone will love him if he gives them what they need and want. 

At two crucial moments, both Daniel and Eli are willing to say anything and do anything to get what they want. Daniel agrees to "get religion" and be baptized if it means he can put the pipeline on the land to the coast. Eli is willing to deny God and his calling as a preacher in order to get money to continue his prestige. The difference is that only Daniel gets what he compromises for; Eli finds a bait and switch as Daniel lies to him about the offer. His dying cries of "we're brothers" are true, for both have sold their souls for what they think satisfies, and found nothing.

Sadly, we all want love on our own terms, demanding affection from friends, family, and loved ones to satisfy us. We refuse to accept love that corrects or comes in different ways. The only minor redemptive character is H.W., "son" to Daniel who offers unconditional love to Daniel even when it is refused.

There Will Be Blood reminds me of a book by Martha Kilpatrick called All and Only. In her insightful work on the sovereignty of God, she notes that what we fear we worship and give ourselves too. In fighting so much to be independent of the love of people--because ultimately he fears their rejection--Daniel builds a hell for himself. In fearing people won't love him Eli builds an equal hell in which he must continue his pretense of power or he will be rejected. We can push everyone away in hopes they will never push us away or we can graspingly make them dependent on us so they can never push us away. But the fear will never leave us, because beneath it all will be the nagging thought that this isn't really escape--it's just avoidance. 

Loving people involves failure. In means yet another conversation in which you have to apologize, forgive, extend love that may be rejected. Love is the most vulnerable place to be, and inevitably hurts come. But in the currency of heaven it is never a waste. Even in pain, the riches of love are immeasurable. I wouldn't have it any other way, I've decided. There will be blood, but because of the Blood I can love.

only choice

You say that

I negotiate

ask, clarify

You remind

never changing

faithful answer

I wrestle

look for escape

in You

silly me

You say the same

I kick and scream

Your arms hold 

absorb blows

relentless love

until I rest

surrender

accept the best

Your word

ultimate peace