on rainy days...

the evening greys in the falling rain. headlights make yellow-white shimmers on the wet pavement. “reason why” plays in the background as thoughts wander through my head like drips down the window.
what is this crazy thing, this soul we all wrestle through? sometimes i think the big events in life are the small things, the smile we give to an aching heart, the way we look at a friend, and really see them.
the droop to the lonely person walking down the street tugs at my heart. i know your pain, i feel it in this amorphous place within, my soul. joy, peace, satisfaction, love at times all seem to elude me. yet on the other hand i know they are as close as the mention of His name. can i say it? how practically do i say goodbye to the dreams half-remembered, never realized? how do i live in today and forget my longings for tomorrow?
the rain washes my world clean, soaking into the thirsty ground, bringing life for flowers to grow. can i lift my eyes to find that all i believe is true?

(since i missed monday, here's a tuesday thought)

in heaven, someone will always be there to meet me. i will never arrive at an airport and either scan the crowd in vain, my heart sinking, or walk with sad step toward the luggage, knowing none await.
how i long for heaven...here on earth.

"Are you happy?"

She thought about it, her gaze drifting away from his... "No, not precisely," she said. "But I don't believe I wish to complain of unhappiness." She paused a minute, looking at the thoughts that had been with her constantly for the weeks since she had left her old life as a bundle across Fireheart's withers. "It is that I cannot see what I am doing or why, and it is unsettling always to live only in the moment as it passes. Oh, I know--one never sees ahead or behind. But I see even less. It is like being blindfolded when everyone else in the room is not. No one can see outside the room--but everyone else can see the room. I would like to take my blindfold off."
~Robin McKinley The Blue Sword

...because, on earth, he had come to know Him, that he had a relational encounter with God not unlike meeting a friend or a lover or having a father or taking a bride, and that in order to engage God he gave up everything, repented and changed his life, as this sort of extreme sacrifice is what is required if true love is to grow.
~Donald Miller Searching for God Knows What

in other words

1 corinthians 13.1-8a

①if i can speak spanish but don’t love the spanish-speakers, i might as well be speaking greek.

②if i can see where my friend’s poor decisions are leading and am sure how each story ends, but don’t love him/her, i’m zilch.

③and if i serve people, doing whatever they need, dying to my wants and needs, but never love them, it gets me no points.

④love waits; love acts kindly even when the loved loves someone else more, love doesn’t make comparisons; love doesn’t look out for #1 all the time,

⑤or try to get all the attention. love’s first thought is not for its own comfort, and when people hurt love, it doesn’t keep score or get mad.

⑥love is sad when people choose evil but ecstatic when truth wins.

⑦love carries on no matter what the load, believes people can change, hopes they will, and walks alongside even if they don’t.

⑧love never, never, never stops loving.

a sunny monday in eternity...

i feel the bright sun like an elixar lift my spirits, soaring above my cares.
alright, then. so i see in me the failing coping mechanisms that hurt others. scratching deeper i see the fears of abandonment, the scars of rejection that spew out the defensive strategies of independence, jealousy, escapism. but deeper still i see that He is in me. He desires change. healing.
so how? practically, how? well, how did He do it? after all, He experienced everything i am, have or will experience...yet without in turn causing pain. He hung up there and said that a thief will see paradise. no angry words.
i close my eyes as the next thought takes me captive.
He said, “Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.” forgive them. forgive them. forgive the people that hurt me without realizing they are doing it. forgive the people that hurt me because they are broken and hurting and, like a dog in pain lash out against the very hand that longs to heal. forgive the people that don’t know how to love me. forgive the people that i don’t know how to love and so feel only hurt because of my raw places.
i shiver, even though the sun is warm.
such love, such forgiveness...it’s too grand, i can barely take it in. but i glimpse it. this morning, in this sunlight, i see a another piece of what it would mean to love with abandon, a love that transforms.
“Father, forgive ______; he/she doesn’t know what he/she’s doing.”

seagull

he stands
face to the sea
proud neck held high
shimmering reflection
white and grey
embraced by wet sand
surveying calmly
his domain
his favorite snack
a tasty crab
he rules the sky,
the sand, the surf
king of the beach

thirty, flirty and thrivin'

happy birthday to me!
so today i turn the big 3-0.
as i ruefully reflected
on my odds in all
the world says matters
for a woman--
marriage, career, etc.--
i said screw it.
i am in better shape
than i was ten years ago.
i have more significant friends
than ever before.
my life is at an amazingly
broken place where
i am learning to trust God
for everything.
the community i live in
is wonderful, supportive
and challenging.
and i wouldn’t trade
these past thirty years
for the house with a picket fence
and a husband and kids.
i have enjoyed my adventures.
whether i have
3,
10,
or 30 more years
i plan on living in each moment
knowing in His timing
the desires of my heart
will be fulfilled.
happy birthday to me!