the question is...

today a lady spoke on asking the right questions.

not ones that miss the point. not ones that deflect attention from the issue. not ones with ulterior motives.

but rather ones that seek Him.

who do You want me to be? not what do You want me to do?

how can I glorify You in this situation? not how can I get out of this trial?

if He is not answering, maybe you're asking the wrong question...

snowy thoughts

i’m sitting in the window sipping earl grey while outside in the growing dusk snowflakes dance down. the street lamps have come on, casting an unearthly yellow glow on the whitening landscape. i feel the chill, in spite of the hot radiator to my left sizzling. the soulful christmas music leads my thoughts to home, that iconic ideal that evades my grasp. where does the lonely road lead? in the stillness of the snow i strain to hear beyond the noise, beyond the voices yelling in my ear about who i should or shouldn’t be. in this lovely world i want to walk simply, hand-in-hand with the One who made me and washed me whiter than snow. my sins aren’t simply blanketed like the frozen falling water blankets the earth, no, they are completely cleaned. may He be my joy this winter season.

missing thanksgiving

this was the first year without Thanksgiving for me. even the year i lived in spain we had a big dinner, yesterday cold meals and work all day felt like anything but a holiday.

yet, i am still thankful...

...for all God has taught me during this time at OM.

...for the small and big ways He heals my heart.

...for the friends here (even if T-day isn't celebrated!).

...for hope of adventures to come.

...for family, especially new arrivals!

...for music, art, life!

....for so much more....

new birth

yesterday was an amazing day for me. a spectacular first. i became an aunt! my little sister, after a long and strenuous labor (way to go Diana!) gave birth to a little boy, Jack Leon. and, as each birth must be, a miracle happened. i was excited for my sister, but when i looked at the pictures of my little nephew, i cried. i felt emotions bordering on ecstatic and thrilled--and i can't wait to hold him and love him and be the best aunt ever (ok, i may be a little crazy).

new birth. the miracle of a life beginning. a little boy who is looking forward to potty training, his first day of school, puberty, first love, angst about a job, uni, middle age, kids, grandkids...!!! wow. all that in a cute little 7.6lb bundle. it staggers the imagination.

may God bless Jack, wrap His hands around him and shape his little life into a shining light for Him.

Amen.

a psalm of abigail

The LORD is glorious, brighter than a lovely fall day.

His goodness rains down on the earth, reviving the weak and troubled.

His love has no end or beginning, yet it reaches into my life.

As for me, I found frustration haunting me as I lived life.

How can I do anything worthy of God's holy name?

All around me people run everywhere, and I despaired to know His will.

Yet I lift my eyes and know the truth creation testifies.

I may not see now the purpose in this broken path

But I follow One who walked it that I might be accepted.

So I shout "Hallelujah" to the heavens for One who loves even me!

I thank Jehovah Jireh who knows each step He has for me.

And though it may seem long and hard, I know He walks with me.

Glory to Adonai! The LORD who loves.

Let all nations give back the song creation magnifies.

Selah.

pointed papers

Thursday.

Second day ever of passing out tracts. Foleshill, Coventry area. Large immigrant population.

The tracts slipped out of my hands like water, the obliging passersby gladly taking the small slips of paper with their pointed message: Jesus loves you. It all seemed very simple, and I prayed that the message found its way into the hearts of these many strangers.

All of a sudden a motion across the street caught my eye. A bus driver waiting for the traffic to continue was tapping on his window and looking in my direction. Surprised I looked at my teammate as if to ask "are we in trouble" and then all around to see if he was motioning to someone else. Looking back at the driver I tapped my chest and he nodded.

I ran into the traffic as he opened his window. "I'd like one. It will give me something to read at stops."

I smiled and handed him the paper and ran back across the street, careful to avoid drivers who, in this country, do not give pedestrians the right-of-way. As I ran he read the title and I heard him exclaim, "Aw!"

The title? "You're special."

quote

"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." ~Oswald Chambers

Wales! (not the aquatic mammal...)

had a lovely time at adventure week in Wales. Snowdon (a small mountain by Oregon standards, but steep!) was spectacular. the above view is from the top. we had (so we're told) a rare sunny day with a refreshing snow shower at the top. all made it safely, which takes on a more serious note when you read that on saturday (just 3 days after we were there) a lady fell off and died.

team building had high moments and introspective low moments. found myself often leading and then feeling bad about doing so. still working on being comfortable in my own skin.

had a very wet solo exercise on friday, sitting in the rain on a rocky hill for over 3 hours with no books, timepieces, etc. beautiful view in spite of the wind and rain, wonderful cleft in the rock. amazed at how much He loves me. oh, how He loves me!

now back to normal (whatever that means). week of planning for light party, school assemblies, door-to-door, etc. hoping that my Christmas plans take shape! anybody want me to visit over the holidays? =)

the ongoing discussion...

what does it look like to do effective evangelism?

i must hand out 500 tracts, work on ways the church can reach a largely immigrant, transient population, do door-to-door, etc. is this the work of an evangelist? am i an evangelist? (normally i would say no. which does not preclude me from doing the work, though.)

what did Jesus do? well, He healed people, spoke to the masses usually in parables (not simple how-to-be-a-christian speeches, but rather confusing stories that only those "who have ears to hear" understood), discipled a few, and died.

ooo, "discipled". this is key. evangelism must come in relationship. we were not called to go out into all the world and get people saved, no, we were told to preach and MAKE DISCIPLES. this means relationship. this does not mean congratulating someone on saying a prayer and sending them on their merry way. no, no! this means loving people through the good days and the bad and walking with them as they grow in grace.

can i, then, do effective evangelism if i am only here for a short time? good question. if i lead people to a point of decision, i must plug them into relationship with people that will walk with them after i am gone. hence, the local church is key. i can only do evangelism if a) i demonstrate in word and deed my relationship with a Person (Jesus) and b) plug people into relationship with other believers who c) want to disciple new believers.

yes, you may argue, people can choose to follow Jesus in a lonely place. but that is only a place to start, and i do not believe that is the best place, especially if there are so many professing believers around anyway.

these thoughts and others along the same lines are churning within me as i walk through my time here in Hillfields. it is key to my continued involvement with OM as well, since blitz methods of evangelism are near and dear to the heart of the organization, or so it seems.

comments, thoughts, contradictions are always appreciated!

Echoes of Hope

In the devastated shell I stand

amidst broken wings

of buttresses that fly no more.

At my back a lone tower

rises defiantly skyward,

a forlorn symbol of hope.

I see the walls, the windows--

the work of centuries

ruined in a moment.

"It is much easier to destroy

than to create," the remains whisper

as I make my way to the altar.

Two burnt sticks stand there,

the only remains of a roof

designed to lift eyes to heaven.

A cross.

The Creator conquered destruction

that we might build eternally.

valley of humiliation

reading chambers the theme lately has been living in the valley of humiliation. and i am struck by the things that are confronting me here in coventry, the means by which i am being humbled. two things come quickly to mind: music and speech. in music, at least church music, i have a rich heritage. my father sang us children to sleep at the foot of the stairs with hymns. put words to music and i easily remember them, and my hymn repertoire is extensive. well, in the states that is. at the little baptist church we are attending, every sunday thus far they have sung, with great gusto, song after song that i have never heard. humbling. england: 1, pride: 0.

then there is speech. today as the pastor introduced me to the congregation (not, i might add, the first time he had said this) he told them that i would be learning to speak english properly while i was here. no matter that two of my compatriots are ESL with varying levels of proficiency, and the 3rd is not english but australian, no, it is the american that is sneered at and told, several times, that she does not speak english. as prepared as i was for this by being warned, it is still a struggle because (again that nasty little pride) i have a strong vocabulary and have always felt that my grasp of the english language is above average, due to my reading and training at university. here, however, the accent is really the key (whether or not i know more english words and use perfect grammar is irrelevant) and i fail because i speak with the wicked accent of a rebellious people. again, england: 2, pride (reluctantly): 0.

as you may well ascertain, here in the valley i am still learning to die properly. but i do believe and cling fervently to the mantra: He must increase and i must decrease. amen, so be it.

Coventry!

it wasn't my first choice, nor my last. but i'm excited! i know little about the town except that the germans did a lot of damage there during WWII, including destroying their cathedral. the effective blitz. now it is an international community as well as a tourist city.

i'm excited about my team: liz (team leader) from australia, liane from germany, ri na from korea and me, assistant team leader. we will be living in a real house/flat! no more dorm! many ministry opportunities include working with prostitutes, homeless, mums and tots, elderly people, and the internationals. challenging! most challenging being that i am probably the designated driver which not only means i have to learn how to drive on the "wrong" side of the road, but it may be in a manual car! working on not stressing about that.

lots to cover until departure day tomorrow...

reflections on outreach

the past few full days of outreach in P* and S* stretched me in ways I never thought I needed.

as we planned for the international night, the group voted me as the program organizer, the one who directed and made sure everything went swimmingly. as a reluctant leader who finds her faults glare all too clearly, I wasn't sure I wanted to have such responsibility. I knew I could do it, but I feared both taking too much control as well as offending people. testing points came right away, as someone confronted me about how i related to them and i calmly explained myself and then went away and cried. but the night went successfully, in spite of all the bumps, and several people sincerely thanked me for my role. being a leader is above all being a servant, and I know that He who modeled true leadership helped me through each step.

another stretching point came on the saturday street outreach to S* when 100 tracts were shoved into my hand with a cheery observation that if we ran out, there were more in the box! i swallowed my american pride that said tracts were annoying and ineffective and was surprised by how many people took them and thanked me. in the end, we passed out over 3000 tracts. all things to all men in order to save some, with this motto I cannot limit God.

in the end, being a servant for a Christian is simply being available whenever, wherever, to do whatever He asks. from politely refuting brainwashing accusations under the shadow of Darwin's statue, to painting a rose on a child's hand, my prayer is that every action and word is a testimony to His love and grace. yes, it is stretching because sin hinders my readiness. and always there will be people with whom, in my own strength, i want nothing to do. but He who promised is faithful. to that I cling.

...swings like a pendulum do...

these are a few of the things i enjoy here...

green, green, GREEN! the way the light plays hide and seek in the clouds with the hillside. learning new words like: keen, whinge, pudding (all desserts), cheers (goodbye and thank you), tea (meaning supper or just tea), proper, pinks, DIY, etc. the accent--even kids have it! the smiles on the people's faces after we serve them. friends from all over the world. scones. european chocolate. proper tea at any time. cobblestone streets only for walking. thousand-year-old buildings still inhabited! rambling through fields and forests on public footpaths.

a few that i struggle with...

plumbing. electricity (where is the light switch?). no personal space (thank God for walks!). traffic (which way do i look again?). missing those i love (that will never change!).

from me to you

during a conversation with an ESL speaker, she thanked me for my consideration in speaking clearly and slowly and in response i mentioned my love of communication, and how important i consider it to be. further elaborating on the thought, i noted--elucidating in a way i never had before--how the Gospel really has communication at its heart. after all, God created us for fellowship with Him--communicating His love. when we chose to break that, He sought to communicate through leaders, prophets, dreams, visions, even audibly until finally, wonderfully, He communicated in the most poignant way: becoming one of us (Jesus), speaking perfectly our language, tempted in the ways we are (heb. 2.14-18) and finally, doing what we had to but couldn't, making the way to communicate again with God.

now, we who bear His name have the privilege to walk in the same way--become communication mediators--translate the love of God culturally, linguistically, personally. what an awesome responsibility and blessing! when i communicate, translate, or facilitate understanding, i am walking in His footsteps. the knowledge chills and excites me, but most of all humbles me.

Soli Deo gloria

the landscape from here

some thoughts on my first full day in England:

had a lovely trek through the countryside. turns out, an English pastime is walking over field and dale, through the neighbour's pasture, an occasional cowpie, and up hills. the pastoral views were lovely, i petted a darling colt and enjoyed the four-hour tromp through the woods. capital!

already facing the "american" challenge when corrected on my use of the word "weird". and i feel as if, by means of my accent, i enter with a deficit--carrying the weight of a country whose culture and politics is by no means welcome here. i am expected to be rude, loud, opinionated, and any minor evidence to the contrary is seized upon.

humility. how i need you more than ever in this place. choosing to read oswald every day for devotional. good stuff. today's thought: "Be entirely His." amen.

around the reservoir on mt tabor a man

old and bent pushes rocks from

the concrete path to the gravel trail that

borders it as i run past i see him

methodically slowly shoving the rocks with

his arthritic foot and i wonder if he

silently curses the agile runner speeding

by whose quick footfalls haphazardly

throw pebbles back on the meticulously

cleaned path as the sun beats down

leaving

it's definitely your voice

reassuring timbre i know so well

but the words changed

or maybe my hearing

i used to think

you knew it all

could speak any language

right any wrong

but those shoes don't fit anymore

now the world is bigger

i miss the comfort

protection and safety

band-aids for my owies

your confident calm

but you don't have

all the answers

i have to grow up

rely on bigger shoulders

familiar with my weight

and hands with holes that hold

promise

i'm sitting in the sun

for now

but to the west

i see dark clouds

i thought june

a month of sun

of love and weddings

and hope

so what's this stuff

hitting my head

like persistent drops

of doubt?

is that a rainbow?

dichotomy

if what i want

i cannot have

and what i have

i do not want

then how do i

want what i have

and have no want

for what i don't?

the clown

is it written on my face

how i feel

when you are near?

can you hear it in my voice

do laughing words

betray my heart?

does it tremble in my skin

a casual touch

full of wonder?

do i play this charade well

or am i

an open book?

Götterdämmerung

i lift my face

soak in the sun

when a drop

interrupts

my reverie

suddenly

the heavens open

hail rains down

i dash for cover

moments later

colors arch above

dazzling my eyes

capricious weather divine

a glowing orb

is sinking fast

into the eastern sky

can this be the sun?

my world is upside down

one day i walked

down a dirt road

and found the sky

beneath my feet

this new world

is probably impossible

and i can’t remember

if there are any rules

does the spinning

occasionally stop?

i’ve been looking

to the west in hope

i find the rosy hue

was at my back

what happens next

could be wonderful

in remembrance

so many scars

from so much hate

I can trace them

with my finger

so many times

I've turned away

denied His name

I cringe inside

so many tears

He wept for me

while I just scorned

or walked away

so many words

gave life to me

a chance to turn

to serve again

so many ways

I can thank Him

give Him my all

He gave no less

diamante

hiding

if you peek around the corner

look behind the oak tree

you might see a flash of color

a whisk of hair that’s me

if you’re faster than a bullet

shine the light just right

the one who’s disappearing

is me into the night

i’m hiding in the shadows

afraid you’ll never find me

running from the truth

of what my life could be

but deep inside i know

i’m longing to be found

caught in a love divine

that sweeps me off the ground

somehow i still believe

this love beyond my mind

could come from someone here

from one i hope to find

Sonnet XVII

your eyes find mine across the crowded space;

we dance the steps known only by our feet.

as you come near my heart begins to race,

a smile from you can make my day complete.

a whisper soft from you my ear will hear

regardless of the noise the people make.

your joking words bring laughter, banish fear

and stir the joy inside that none can take.

you hold me close without a touch of hand,

i struggle in your presence not to drown.

but every day i find this dancing grand,

i think my will is slowly wearing down.

please take this heart i freely offer you

and show me love that makes my dreams come true.

from here

you're so close yet so far

when i'm near you

i open my mouth to speak

and the million things i want to say

have disappeared and left me

smiling foolishly in your eyes

this side of tomorrow

a rosy hue brightens

dreams perhaps insubstantial

weave their way into my heart

and i am left helpless

my defenses gone completely

help me, guide me, lead me

through this stormy calm

a thousand unasked questions

clamour mercilessly within

yet Your voice stills them all

this peace i don't understand

jump first

small fingers stretch out trusting

toothless smile with joy abounding

a kissable head with wispy hairs

so frail yet so strong

i hold him close

rest my cheek against his head

wonder at this power

pulling love and care at will

he bounces high

never doubting my strength

chortling as I entertain

my face his world

the gamble

you mean well

i see it in your eyes

but we all know

about good intentions

you want to stop

the coming pain

debatably probable

save me from hurt

your words echo my fear

but death threatens

the quietness coming

in the absence of love

pain, peace

hurt, healing

sides of a coin i flip

a gamble i take

do i stop flying

for i may crash?

or do i soar high

this blue-tinged sublime?

the puppeteer

there is a string

tied round my waist

with the slightest inclination

you can pull me close

anywhere almost anything

i would do for you

a tug, a word, a look

i'm in orbit anew

do you know your power?

you hold it effortlessly

until someday it breaks

or becomes gold

sunny light breaking

turning grey world to golden

rain kisses chapped lips

i’ve read this one before

seen the knight in battle

a princess captive

it has a happy end

i’ve seen this one before

the man lays dying

reconciled to friends

it has a happy end

i’ve heard this one before

the long and hard trial

darkest before the dawn

it has a happy end

but this one is new

the ending is foggy

and i can't see my way

does it have a happy end?