my favorite Gospel has always been John. i dreampt of being “the disciple whom Jesus loved”, the one reclining on His breast. in my mind John is a lot like Dusty in to end all wars: soft, kind, forgiving, and above all loving.
but lately it has become very clear to me that i am Peter. Peter wanted to be John, too. “what about that guy, Jesus? how’s he gonna die?” “that’s not your concern. you’re not John.” Peter’s the one i never wanted to be. deny Christ? no, not me. take matters into my own hands and chop someone’s ear off? again, not me of course. impetuously decide to build a couple temples after witnessing supreme glory? i mean, we are way off. but actually, not that far off. i am intense, impetuous, leaping before i think. i passionately believe what i say yet struggle to realize that i cannot on my own nor in my own strength fulfill any ideal i hold dear.
and, like Peter, God in His mercy has brought me to the place of bitter tears. of realizing how far short i am in being like Jesus, how my own actions deny Him more than i ever would want. i do not love people like He loves people. i am not content to be me--i want to be “John” or whoever is not me.
even in the place of tears, the dark night of denial, i can remember the story of Peter and take heart. can i but learn humility, truly learn the lesson of surrender that He in His mercy has chosen to teach me i can, someday, be greatly used by Him. it was only after Peter accepted that God loved Him, had made Him who He desired to be--”on this rock I will build My Church”--and surrendered all his own striving, only then could God use Him mightily.
so here i am, standing before the altar, feeling the burning flames singe my hair and knowing that only through climbing up on it and letting Him burn away my failure can i become who He wants me to be.
in this broken moment i come
holding only failure in my hands
Your love is all that draws
Your mercy all i cling to
can i make it through the fire
truly change
can Your will become mine
truly one
so clasping loose my rags
i’m waiting on Your touch
my strength is not enough
even to surrender
Beautiful. I think we all struggle with who we are and who we want to be. I think, too, that Christ never changed Peter from who he was, those character qualities that lead him to chop off the guards ear and offer to build three temples, are the same qualities that alowed him to confess, immediately, "You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God," and they are the same qualities that lead him to preach before thousands of people on pentecost. (The types of actions that we never hear of John participating in, possibly because John was quiter and more retreating.)
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