when i think about where i'm at in life, it's a negative response to switchfoot's question. i have no idea where i'm going, who i'm going with, and even if i want to get there. but this week, God reminded me why i still sing. i have not lost my voice, and He told me why i should not lose my joy.
storge
i am a hopeless romantic and, like much afraid, i wanted so much to be loved. early on--earlier than i can remember really--i realized that my family was not the lovable perfect model that some friends had. perfection in family love could never be achieved so i looked elsewhere...
eros
i dreampt that someday the perfect knight would come and sweep me away. it hasn't happened and moreover those i put on pedestals have spit on my regard. so i look elsewhere...
phileo
this, this is it! finally, people--good, Jesus-loving people--who won't let me down, who understand me and are committed to me until the very end. this year, God has let me see that friends fail as much as lovers and family. through suffering, through misunderstandings and harsh, hateful words my budding plant of false love has been ripped up...
agape
so tonight i worshipped in a new place and He shed a new light on this season in life. His is the only love that satisfies, and even more, He jealously desires me to find in Him all the fulfillment the other loves try to mimic. in mercy, He allowed trials and sufferings to come to me so that i could see only He matters. really see, in a way that only coming to the broken end of myself where all else failed could bring. i can walk in joy--not by ignoring the hurts nor by avoiding repentance--but by realizing and focussing on Him alone. HIM ALONE. His love can sustain me and bring me the joy i need. a daily lesson, to be sure, but one newly bored more deeply into me.
oh Lord, i see more clearly now
see this place of pain and how
you brought me here in love
so all else may fade away
You the center alone stay
My Lover and My Lord
be near me now and guide me
as i forgive and humbly free
the ones who brought the pain
they become the simple means
that exposes what needs cleaned
and You provide the salve
thank You for your love so kind
that brought me this peace of mind
i kneel in surrender
Thanks for these thoughts Abigail...it is so true. I used to take pride in my "perfect christian family" but that has gotten shaken up in the past few years. Despite many wonderful friends and the blessing of a husband, I still have days when I realize how desperatly I need God. Only He is worth living for. Only He sustains and gives true joy.
ReplyDeleteluv ya ~ Megan