but because

i'm falling down again
a thousand prayers unanswered
i've laboured long and lonely
seen mountains still unmoved
when days turn into months
and hope becomes opaque
my heart begins the barricade
against familiar breaks
along the road less traveled
did i miss a fork not marked
in pursuit of longings deep
did You mean something else
i'm hunkered down resigned
to mend these nets so torn
from stormy waters fruitless
when again i hear Your voice
protesting at the path
i think i know so well
these are familiar waters
but Your gaze is strong and still
so because You say so
i'll trust this bleeding heart
risk on a new adventure
You've never failed me yet

dead ends?

i've wandered here and there
seen somewhere from afar
spent golden hours waiting
trekked nowhere in a car

i've friends of many lands
some passing some more dear
even felt the parting pang
as some gave in to fear

the road's been long and winding
seemed full of ends too bent
the wind of memory whispers
a pall on time well spent

the future can seem heavy
for such a waif as i
these dreams and hopes still cherished
can with the harsh light die

i'm standing in the shadow
thrown by a lighted space
the joyful tableau beckons
but i can't see your face

what courage have i squandered
on rambling paths afield
now when a seed is needed
i hesitate to yield

so now i come again
the place all paths must find
where all my striving's useless
and all my wisdom blind

so simple yet so priceless
the moment of defeat
when all i know to do
is fall down at Your feet

You gently pull the veil
reveal each step i've trod
in spite of feeling lonely
was in the hand of God

splash

i'm watching the rain
dancing silver flashes
under an unrelenting slate sky
while the asphalt reflects
and cars splash by
like a symphony of water
the larger puddles host bursts
quick ripples of wet on wet
the noise lost to most
streams begin to form and flow
slowly into hungry storm sewers
streetlights burst to life
though the night is far off
a world lost in distraction
i pull my coast closer
wonder at the musical
peaceful roar ignored
yet beautiful nonetheless

hunger

my constant companion
sometimes near or not
speaking loudly or still
like arms wrapped tight
around my waist it's here
regardless of my moves
it pokes me and prods me
never letting me forget
that i'm neglectful
i know what could stop it
but i resist in hope
so much more waits
could i but push through
see
filling comes in many ways
i want to feast on life
more abundantly
find the fullness
that never ends
until someday this thing
stays here while i depart
and i eat food i do not know
hasta siempre

caffeine withdrawal

first i thought it wasn't so bad
the fingers of pain behind my eyes
then it spread to the rest of my head
as if a boa constrictor formed a turban
massaging the temples i prayer for release
sat warming my pain by the heat
until suddenly the escalation
came without warning in nauseous waves
over and over until i was sure i.
that's it just i and the end
for a few moments before it broke
i knew i would lose it and hurl
but body and soul are still together
may this discipline alight my spirit
it's drastic enough to do so
when all else fails take away
the crutches the habits
the noisy little foxes
make way with palm branches
though my head still throbs
i'm clinging to hope
and tomorrow's promise of less

when's day

the rain forecast
came like a mouse
timid and small and rarely seen
i read again
some words of hope
basked in a sudden sunbeam
my quiet eve
is filled with talk
friends near and far who called
i brushed the edge
of winter past
long filled with things recalled
my creaky bones
a silver hair
belie my youthful heart
yet all i see
beyond the vale
speaks joy now to impart
when dusk begins
i hear a song
beyond the shadows growing
as if a voice
strong yet still
told of a love worth knowing
i tremble like
a reed that bends
to wind's caressing force
the dance so fierce
the move so strong
a rushing river's course
could i but learn
to match the curve
to find the way to living
would i then be
one newly born
forever one forgiving

scarred

it's good friday and i'm musing on the whole forgiveness thing that the blood shed so long ago yet immediately efficacious is to me. it's especially relevant as i think about the idea of friendship and how some people, without explanation, choose to unfriend you on facebook. petty that it should bother me perhaps it still cuts especially when you think what a low quality of relationship that is in the first place (many of the "friends" i have on there i barely know) and so for someone to find my name and click "unfriend" communicates a vindictive spirit in my mind. i've only done this to a handful of people and it was mostly due to their persistence in bothering me or my heart being unable to see how they moved on with their life.
but beyond facebook i'm thinking of all those moments in the day when i have the opportunity to choose forgiveness. and it is indeed a choice and only available because He made a way. now when the hurt rises up because this or that person treats me as disposable i can remember that in the ledger of debts i don't deserve to have a 0 balance. i don't deserve to have an inheritance with the saints including my dad in glory. because of that i can offer again and again love when i feel hurt. i can choose to believe that every person can change, even the ones i'm tempted to doubt. someday that friend and i will stand before the throne with all the dross burned away and we'll worship for eternity because of those scars. in light of that this good friday i'm grateful.