some stray budding thoughts on risk

lately the concept of risk has been knocking on my heart's door, much like the all-encompassing hand in "The Shoddy Lands" (Lewis) and i'm sure that it's in large part due to my beginning The Last Arrow (McManus).

even as i think about risks i'm afraid to take it strikes me how from the outside i might appear to be a person who laughs in the face of danger. sure, i've quit many jobs not knowing where my next paycheque will come from. sure, i've bought multiple one-way tickets having very little idea how long i would be somewhere, what i would do, and where i would go next. sure, i use directness as a defence mechanism and have been known to express strong opinions forcefully. 

confident, adventurous, striking--these are all adjectives that others have used to describe me.

yet, in many ways it's a well-crafted façade. the gypsy wanders away from risking her entire heart. when i look at my work history i find that i never tried to make a go of my passions. after all, there's safety in mediocrity. if you don't care that much, you can always walk away. 

i could excuse it by saying those that should have encouraged my passions often crushed them instead so of course i shied away from stepping out in my writing or voice. but that excuse dies in the light of His approval and His desires. and after all, i don't think any great person avoided rejection on the road to significance.

what does it mean to take out that treasure, the thing you long most to be known for in this life, the gift to this world that He gave uniquely through you, and offer it? offer it wholeheartedly, burning the bridges backward into mediocrity. 

what does it mean to be chosen for such a time as this? to say if i perish, i perish, but i must walk forward, risking this life, to obey the glorious unction that brought me into life eternal.

i don't know how many grains are left to glide downward but i do know that when they run out they become limitless. i don't know what it all looks like at the dawning of this day to risk and step forward but i do know that living in light of limitlessness is but a reasonable service of worship.

so here goes everything...