leaking

my eyes won't stop leaking like a rusty faucet
sometimes fast sometimes slow
a smile now and then for all the love
a sob to saying goodbye
i'm so happy for you and joyful
i know you'll never cry again
i'm so grateful for all you were to me
just wish i had a few more years to say so
they say it goes in stages and i'll grow
to finally accept the hole that never heals
this side of the glory you're dancing in
but i feel like it's a roller coast of each one
ad infinitum in these short hours
no regrets you know i loved you so
and i couldn't have asked for a better you
i'd say as much with my arms around you
if i could one more time
you're still proud of me though in the cloud
everlasting witness of His grace to live
though memories to come will be bittersweet
without you there to share
these leaky eyes are simply testimonies
of a life well done now missed

happy new year!

today millions of people celebrate a new year on the other side of the world and for me it was just another friday albeit on the worse side work-wise but i survived and binged a bit on pizza and chocolate to make up for the powerlessness i felt at the stress caused by a self-absorbed boss and i suppose i felt a bit like that cat in the meme whinging about how it was the year of the dog and i already hate it but i don't hate it i just long to see something different in my life on this dawn of a new year something like a new job perhaps but maybe more like significance in different areas and i think there's a holy stirring to not be content with staying silent in the face of injustice and dishonesty yet learning discernment in what to say and when to say it because some people will not hear and they will rather make your life miserable but we are called to be change makers and there is change that we can effect and so i choose and i hope you do as well to be change this new year on whatever side of the world your feet are walking to stand up for the downtrodden and to seize the moments to risk death even to denounce evil because there is coming hope on a mighty wind and however He asks we can reach down and help those who are fallen to their feet and though some may ridicule us and refuse to get their faces out of their own faeces we must not become bitter or discouraged because others will say that they cannot face this job without us there to encourage them and in that moment we will feel that however small the way may be we matter in all humility it's an honour to find that you matter and that you are helping bring hope like daphne in bloom in dark winter places and though last week a warm wind blew and sunday they're forecasting snow still i can find strength to live each day that's given me knowing that even unto death He guides my steps through each new year

the drawing room

the room is full of numbers
people waiting people breathing
and the air keeps getting thicker
as i search for some way out
there's madness in the method
letting fate dictate your steps
but risking all to strike out new
there, there my neighbour hushed
such comfort in the apathy
of never asking why
such dull complacent luxury
of having second best
this rat race we're all running
hoping someone else is next
and i'm tired of the turmoil
this room is not for me
i can sense they all are staring
from their half-demented eyes
as though difficult i rise
for i must find the door
although no one else is moving
a hundred hands seem grasping me
i struggle with each step a little less
until i near the wall
the new number has been called
but i am almost free
before me is the unmarked door
i pass through wonderingly
as it glides slowly shut
a head turns

some stray budding thoughts on risk

lately the concept of risk has been knocking on my heart's door, much like the all-encompassing hand in "The Shoddy Lands" (Lewis) and i'm sure that it's in large part due to my beginning The Last Arrow (McManus).

even as i think about risks i'm afraid to take it strikes me how from the outside i might appear to be a person who laughs in the face of danger. sure, i've quit many jobs not knowing where my next paycheque will come from. sure, i've bought multiple one-way tickets having very little idea how long i would be somewhere, what i would do, and where i would go next. sure, i use directness as a defence mechanism and have been known to express strong opinions forcefully. 

confident, adventurous, striking--these are all adjectives that others have used to describe me.

yet, in many ways it's a well-crafted façade. the gypsy wanders away from risking her entire heart. when i look at my work history i find that i never tried to make a go of my passions. after all, there's safety in mediocrity. if you don't care that much, you can always walk away. 

i could excuse it by saying those that should have encouraged my passions often crushed them instead so of course i shied away from stepping out in my writing or voice. but that excuse dies in the light of His approval and His desires. and after all, i don't think any great person avoided rejection on the road to significance.

what does it mean to take out that treasure, the thing you long most to be known for in this life, the gift to this world that He gave uniquely through you, and offer it? offer it wholeheartedly, burning the bridges backward into mediocrity. 

what does it mean to be chosen for such a time as this? to say if i perish, i perish, but i must walk forward, risking this life, to obey the glorious unction that brought me into life eternal.

i don't know how many grains are left to glide downward but i do know that when they run out they become limitless. i don't know what it all looks like at the dawning of this day to risk and step forward but i do know that living in light of limitlessness is but a reasonable service of worship.

so here goes everything...