It was Christmas 1986 when Molly’s life changed forever. Yes, thinking back on her life she realized that in one breathtaking moment she learnt that life takes your hope and crushes it, often when you least expect it. And often, sadly, the moment comes after all the signs had pointed to fulfillment of that very hope.
That fateful Christmas she had asked for a special gift. Now, her family was by no means wealthy; in fact, to her shame, they often used food stamps and this very Thanksgiving had accepted a box of food from the food pantry. This was the same box of food they donated to on a regular basis at church (only the gross cans, like creamed corn and peas with scallions). But she felt so much hope that her family would make the sacrifice to give her this one gift. It wasn’t much, just a Barbie horse that sold for about seven dollars down at K-mart.
Christmas Eve came and she kept eying the square box with her name on it under the tree. It was the right size, it clattered a bit when she discreetly shook it, and it was hers. The excitement mounted. It was Christmas, the season of excitement and shouldn’t she expect nothing less than hope, tangibly materializing in the plastic shape of a horse? No one knew how excited she was when she woke up the next morning.
Her father read the Christmas story as he always did but she had no ears for it. Then came the gifts and as she tore off the paper, she saw pink! and the Barbie emblem! It was...a Barbie knitting kit. Dumbfounded, she had burst into tears and thrown it down. Besides the fact that it wasn’t what she wanted it had to do with sewing, in her mind, and that was something she was less than keen about.
Rather than consoling her, her shocked parents demanded that she show appropriate gratitude for a gift, even if the gift wasn’t what she wanted. She protested angrily but eventually lapsed into sullen compliance as a seed was planted in her heart. From that day on, hope shriveled. Sure, she hoped for many things in the coming years but always, whenever the moment of realization came--especially if it came with hope deferred--her heart whispered that no horse waited in the wrapping paper, only a clearance-listed knitting kit that no one wanted.
The seed sprouted new leaves with each disappointment. By the time she grew to adulthood, it flowered into a belief that no one loved her enough to make her happy. She learnt that to be loved meant to be needed rather than wanted and so she made herself into a useful person. Even so, hope dies hard. Deep, deep down, buried under the weed of unloveliness, the whisper came that no amount of being useful could counterfeit real love. Somewhere, it whispered, there must be someone who loves me regardless of anything that I do. And, it continued, that someone would be willing to do anything to convince me of that love. Could I just find them, I would see that.
Funny, that it all started on Christmas. That search for a love that comes unconditionally and gives its all.
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