beginnings

before tomorrow

in the valley i kneel once more
lay down my struggles
and raise my hands
i make You everything
in my life again
You're order in my chaos
hope in the midst of doubt
healing for my pain
no matter where i run
i cannot lose You
help me through these days
of hard decisions
may i do the right thing
the thing You want
thought it break my heart
this place of surrender
is freedom

parting thoughts on purpose...

some of you may know how hard this year has been, and one area of which has been the stretching experience of renting a room from an elderly lady. from the teeth sitting around the house, to the dirty bathroom and kitchen, to the mystery meat stinking up the house, to the yelling (because she's deaf, not angry)...yes, it has been an experience. and now it is soon to be over.
but today i was reminded that we see not as He sees. today as yesterday, doña teresa insisted on my sharing lunch with her (which was fried fishies--spines, heads, fins and all--and rice dishes) and today as the conversation wove its way through doctrinal thoughts and family issues it happened upon extraterrestrial life (bear with me here) and as she affirmed that there must be life in "otro mundo" i said, "pues, cuando usted llegue al cielo, pueda preguntar a Dios" to which she replied that she wasn't going to the cielo, to the infierno maybe but not the cielo because she wasn't a perfect person.
at this point i had the opportunity to share that it is by faith, not buenas obras that we are saved and if we believe in Jesucristo's death and resurrection, His blood for us, we can indeed go to the cielo. well, a bit later she said if that were so then yes, she was going. in humility i almost cried. here a catholic raised to fear Dios and yet confident that the same Dios in whom she believed would calmly send her to the infierno has come--i trust--to know that grace has triumphed over judgment. and Dios used me, in spite of my frustrations and failings to share this hope.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. --Tolkien

going to the beach...in Spain

growing up i went to the beach a lot...but it meant something different in oregon. in oregon the beach is a place to walk, maybe swim if it's really hot, but not really the sunbathing capital of the world. we enjoyed nice bonfires and beautiful sunsets.
here, in spain, it's a whole different story. this weekend i experienced "el cabo de gata" in almería province, where the beaches are the draw (since the landscape is semi-arid, looking a whole lot like eastern oregon but without any trees). and the people that frequent the beaches have a rare form of terrets syndrome which makes them take off all their clothes at the sight of blue water and unforgiving sunrays. yeah, it was not a family-friendly experience. i enjoyed seeing the area but i could definitely have lived happily without the extensive nudity. and i definitely miss the green of oregon. i did get to walk on the very same beach that harrison ford and sean connery used in _the last crusade_ when he said "let my armies be the rocks and the trees and the birds of the air"...monsul, beautiful (would be better without the nudes).

what i have to work with...

i think i've mentioned the complete laziness of many of the students here in spain. so today i give you exhibit a, an example of what i'm talking about. M is a student in my 3ºeso class, the 3rd year of secondary school which normally hits about 14-15 years of age, the second-to-the-last required year. M is 18 and still in 3ºeso and refuses to study, being what we call a bench-warmer i suppose. his parents insist that he attends. he doesn't even try to participate and when questioned about his interests he dislikes movies and tv and music, and only lives to drive his moto illegally (he still doesn't have a permit--even though after 14 he can get a moto permit and after 18 a regular driving permit). he doesn't ever plan on working, saying that his parents will support him and after they're gone he'll get the house and the government will support him (which is true). sigh. so you can imagine the only english ability he has after so many years is purely by accident. sigh.

pushing in for the home stretch...

life never gets easier, have you noticed? working through a bunch of stuff, struggling to enjoy my last weeks here in vélez, looking forward to traveling with my dad. life keeps moving, always stretching us to the limit.
two songs from the david crowder band are encouraging me this week. note these lyrics:
You're everythingI could want / That I could need / If I could see / You want me / Could I believe? / 'Cause You're perfectly / All I want, all I need / If I could just feel / Your touch / Could I be free? / Why do You shine so? / Can a blind man see? / Why do You call? / Why do You beckon me? / Can the deaf hear the voice of love? / Would You have me come? / Can the cripple run? / Are You the one?
What can I do with my obsession / With the things I cannot see / Is there madness in my being / Is it the wind that moves the trees? / Sometimes You're further than the moon / Sometimes You're closer than my skin / And You surround me like a winter fog / You've come and burned me with a kiss
Chorus And my heart burns for You / And my heart burns...for You
And I'm so filthy with my sin / I carry pride like a disease / You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close / You burn me deeper than I know / And I feel lonely without hope / And I feel desperate / Without vision / You wrap around me like a winter coat / You come and free me like bird
if you're reading, say a prayer for your friends far away...they need it.

no foolin'

had to put that because it's april fool's...even though they don't celebrate here!
had a good vacation with my cousin and since i have discovered that a few of you still occasionally read this, i thought i would update how it all went. plus, i am excited that only 9 weeks remain of teaching! yipee! and then i'm off to new adventures (yeah, same old same old with me...lol).
anyway, highlights:
Tangier, Morocco--just a 2-hour ferry ride from europe and it's a major culture change. beggars, bartering, etc. found out i was pretty good at bartering in spanish--better than my mexican-american friend who went! enjoyed the sweet mint tea and the picturesque coastal village (assilah) they take the tourists to, as well as the crowded market and the many scarves, costumes, and scents. didn't enjoy not being able to drink the water (since i drink a lot of water) and the extra attention from the guys (my cousin even got a marriage proposal!).
Cadiz--historic town on an isthmus (say the name like you have a lisp at the end and you sound like a native). my cousin and i got drenched first by a rainstorm and later by the tumultuous sea as we ran to see a castle. but the neat winding streets were very picturesque.
Gibraltar--highlight climbing up to the top of the rock, seeing the views and imagining what it would have been like to explore the caves during WW2...bummed they didn't give me free access to explore now. ripped off by the exhorbitant exchange rate if you go to a restaurant and try to pay in euros--worse than anything ever tried in morocco ironically. sigh. monkeys are entertaining--think they were winning 10 to 2 against the stupid tourists when we left.
Frigilliana--maybe i've already mentioned this pueblo, but i took my cousin there since it is my favorite (and my fourth time there). beautiful warm white cobbled streets, lovely vino dulce and views of the rolling greenish hills and the sea in the distance...if only i could afford a cottage...
Torremolinos--spent an evening here annoyed by the insane number of tourists, including the idiotic drunk (at 8pm on a monday) british tourists who claimed to love the american accent (yeah, and i have a tower of london to sell you...).
Granada--ah, the crumbling remains of the moorish empire, also known as the Alhambra. the place you must see, or so they say. the buildings were ok--except we had to share it with some 3200 other tourists. but the gardens were by far the best. the sultaness had quite the prison in Generalife, with beautiful wisteria and lovely redwoods among trickling fountains and cool shrubbery. the albayzin was also interesting, with it's climbing walkways and breathtaking views of the alhambra with the sierra nevadas peaking out of the haze in the distance. had a nice hike on the last day above the alhambra by myself, finding secret ruins surrounded by a fence conveniently downed by a tree in one section. of course i explored it, what else would i do?
now i'm getting back to the grind, trying not to count the days and trying to figure out what to do friday to celebrate by myself...maybe a nice walk on the beach since i'm under a budget crunch!
hope you are enjoying spring wherever you are!

getting ready for vacation

next week is semana santa, holy week for those spanish illiterate. my cousin comes to visit and we are going to see the sights and the sites. since my cousin is a planner, i have worked hard to get ready, only to find today that the one major feature (in Granada) the Alhambra was almost sold out! fortunately, i got the last 2 tickets available during the entire time we will be there. otherwise, we would have had to stand in a long line and maybe not get in.
teaching is hard when vacation is around the corner. the students don't want to learn, and somehow they know you really don't want to teach either. i end up giving up often and just letting them chat. otherwise, it's like pulling teeth to get them to participate.
having a lot of time on my hands this week so here i am blogging. in some ways i can't wait to be done here and go...well, i don't know where...but back to the states. but what will i miss? i try to focus on that so that i don't focus on what i won't miss (which is more readily available to my mind). i will miss the sun (even though it burns). i will miss the way i can walk almost anywhere easily in my town...and it is common! i will miss the abundance of fruit, and the markets where i buy it. the fresh avocados, the mangos, the chirimoyo...oh, and the smell of fresh bread as well as the taste. i might even miss the besos...at least, it's nice knowing how you great someone instead of an awkward "do i shake his hand or...". i will miss a bit of the pace of life (although right now i am a bit bored)...sitting in a cafe in the sunlight sipping a nice cafe con leche...having a tinto de verano while chatting away...never being bothered about the check until you say la cuenta por favor. and of course, how the sun makes memories of the white-washed houses with the blue-speckled tiles glistening in the lazy heat. the cries of "hola guapa" and the piropos...it's nice to be looked at sometimes.
life in spain. it's a lazy adventure.

spring in Cordoba...

less than 48 hours spent in the warm sun and cool shady streets of an ancient tranquil city. winding streets with tempting open doorways to gated patios resplendent with lush green plants and softly trickling fountains. enjoying the cherry blossoms, reminiscent of spring in the pacific northwest. savoring the cool, slightly muskily-scented vastness of the Mezquita, the mixing of two religions. nice to get out of town...

on the peninsula during the storm

today during class there was a storm, short, but complete with thunder and a lot of rain. in the european world at large there is also a storm brewing: Kosovo. the news of their independence was all over the papers as i read through the spanish slant. spain has refused to recognize the small, struggling country, mainly because it fears the darkness of seperatism within. moreover, with it's usual european aplumb, it has laid the blame for the rent within the EU directly at the door of none other than the US, as noted the political cartoon in el mundo of a grinning george bush ripping a EU flag and entitled Kosovo. when i talk with the kids and hear them continually blame-shift their problems and then see a culture at large trying to find absolution by shifting the culpability to other shoulders i am reminded that it merely is the darkening clouds of the storm of sin that continues to rage upon this earth, and will until the end of all things when the final morning dawns and the truth for once and all shines. in my own personal struggles i remember this and hope. the night has not control over me and i will see the dawn. meanwhile, i will hold my candle on high as i discuss religion, politics, etc. with teachers that remember days of being forced to go to mass and enjoy freedom now to sin with ease. yet for countries as well as individuals, the only true path to independence lies through death.

can i ask you a question?

one of the side-effects of teaching your language in another culture is that you over-analyze phrases and innuendos. for example, many people come up to me and say, "can i ask you a question?" and it sounds off to my ears. or rather, i steel myself for some invasive, personal, or downright rude question. in english, we don't announce questions in this manner--either we ask them outright or tell the person we have a question. the only time we ask permission to ask is when the question is perhaps different (again, invasive, personal, rude, non-of-their-business, etc.). so i am trying not to be nervous at the numerous times i am asked, "can i ask you a question?"

walking

they say you walk a lot in europe, that being (they say) why everyone is skinnier. i suspect that genetics is involved in the weight issue (and there are plenty of large people here as well) but i do find that i walk a lot. the beach is about 3 or 4 km away, a leisurely 45-minute stroll. i find myself saying things like, "oh, it's only a twenty-minute walk"...halfway across town, that is. or running to the beach and later walking there and back in the same day. many causes lie behind my increased walking, which could or could not be due to the european location. one: no car. two: undependable, semi-costly bus system. they have a lot of buses but each direction costs at least a euro (the lightrail is 1.30) and after waiting the extra 20some minutes for the bus i think, "i could be halfway there by now!" then there is the time. what else am i going to do when i don't have television in my language (and spanish television, well, the less said the better), no dvd, no computer in the house. i do read a lot but when the sun is shining, well, i'd rather dar un paseo so i go out. sitting in a café costs so i walk. a lot. and it's enjoyable, although i think the sun shines brighter here (my eyeballs hurt after just a few moments) and i do manage to turn a few heads (you'd think they'd never seen skin so white, hair so long, and women so tall before! stop staring. stop whistling. por favor.).
anyway, i do walk more in europe. and so should you. es bueno para la salud.

thoughts on ledger...

so i'm not usually "up" on celebrity news, but one of the things that living overseas does to you is magnify news from your patria (if there is such a thing for me). so several friends pointed out this week heath ledger's death and it struck me a bit for a couple reasons.
one, he was born on the exact same date as i (date, year, etc.). God willing, i will see 4 april again but he won't.
two, he was named after the title character in wuthering heights (heathcliff), so in an ironic way it is not surprising that his life was a tragedy.
on other notes, málaga continues to experience the beginnings of spring...and i am enjoying it (although the sun is really bright!). not needing a coat anymore, running on the beach with the wind in my hair.
i'm getting excited about upcoming trips...it's amazing how close everything is over here. morocco in march, granada, israel in june...it's exciting.
as one exits this life, the rest of us go on living. a ripple in time, unfortunately leading to eternal saddness. to quote a friend, "i wish i could have given him hope" because there is so many beautiful things in life...but only One makes life worth living.

a shorter note (to make up for that last long entry)

coming back is always an interesting experience for the wandering gypsy. she found this week to be very enjoyable and in some ways it almost felt like home. yet today, she told the coordinator that she will not be returning another year. no, there is no problem with the teachers, they are all very nice. yes, the pay is too little but they are raising it a bit. no, the weather is lovely. but somehow it isn't home. and the gypsy (getting older) is actually wondering if she shouldn't maybe pick a career (since none seems to appeal to her, she must pick one) before the sand runs out. maybe home and calling are not to be for her...maybe wandering is her fate internally as well as externally. (maybe she shouldn't wax philosophical in third person...)

train travel or how i spent part of my vacation

being convinced that the best way to overcome your fears is to grab them by the ** and go for it, on 1 jan i started on an adventure that, frankly, made me very nervous beforehand: traveling back from napoli to málaga alone by train.
interrail (eurrail for those without a european residence card): the best (and worst) way to travel by train in europe. i should have known that throwing caution to the wind and embarking on the spontaneous voyage of a "global" pass would have its downsides, especially when dealing with 3 different countries who have each received different info regarding the use of said pass.
italy: hopped on the train from napoli to roma, pass never checked. in roma hopped on the train to pisa--checked, wrote in day as instructed. all good. arrived in pisa midnight--trying to get to nice (france), saw only option night train (leaving 0.38, reservation required). tried to get reservation but everything closed. station worker (no English) said just to get on. 2 guys (suppose they were workers, no uniform) first told me i had to sit in aisle, then shoehorned me into a compartment with 5 others...very uncomfortable night--8 hours--but again the pass never checked. summary train travel in italy: dubious and cheap.
france: after 2 refreshing nights at the hostel i braved travel on french trains. arriving at the station, found huge line, train i wanted leaving in 20 min and needed reservation...so i took my chances and hopped on anyway. very official conductor first accused me of subterfuge b/c i hadn't written the date yet (being my 1st trip and later realizing that i hadn't read the fine print very well, ok, not at all) and i argued that no, i was not a dirty american trying to beat the system--in fact, i had even written in the 2nd day though it had never been checked. practically in tears i refused to pay (not knowing what would happen) and he asked for my reservation...to which i sheepishly replied that i didn't have that either as the interrail book said none needed ("ridiculous" he responded). in the end he settled for just the exhorbitant reservation fee of 10 euros (in station 1,50 euro normally) and i continued to montpellier. there, i took the safe route of getting a reservation and the french lady was preparing to book me to madrid (shrewdly noting that i had to pay 50% in spain b/c i bought interrail by claiming spanish residency and, accd. to unread fine print in doesn't work in your country of residency)...but she could only get me to port bou (3 euro) so on i went, noting in persignan when i changed trains 4 grendarmes with machine guns mingling with the crowd. ticket never checked in either train.
spain: id checked (nie worked like a charm) to get into the station in port bou, perhaps fears of basques or shadows of napoleon haunt the spanish-french relations. relief to be back where i could communicate better. went to counter to try my luck at the night train to madrid, only bunks left but the lady only charged me the reservation fee--no hastle about the 50% (ah, to be home to "no pasa nada"...so nice). stayed 2 refreshing nights with kind missionary couple and then tried my luck at the infamous puerta de atocha (11 may), again only charged the reservation fee not the 50%! it's good to be back, and i won't do that much train travel again (in one stretch anyway, and overnight 21 hours is hardcore).