the impossible dream

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams--this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all--to see life as it is and not as it should be." ~Man of La Mancha

from childhood, i remember the story of an errant knight, so frustrated with the world gone wrong that, losing touch with reality, he sets out to seek beauty and bring right to all. he sees windmills as giants, bowls as helmets, a poor man as his squire and friend, and even a prostitute as a lady. chasing his ideals brings him joy yet the world is not content that he should run after lofty castles in the sky, and they "cure" him, turning him back to seeing life as it is. but in the end, we see that his expectations--his looking beyond what everyone took for granted--has actually worked, causing the prostitute to change, to become the lady he believed her to be.
how often have i looked past the gutter in which we all live, believing we can touch the stars. when i taught, i was censored for "expecting too much" out of the teenagers, believing they could do something more than everyone assumed. someone told me the other day not to insist on behavior from a child because, after all, they were just a child. and experience, the bitter taskmaster has taken his shields of mirrors and shown me that, perhaps, my ideals are but illusions of insanity. i have lost friends, seen clearly my own failures, an witnessed the deaths of hopes and dreams as the mirrors mock me.
is it simply that i expect too much--both from myself and others, life in general? or in this dark night am i fighting a battle against an attempt to thwart my following of the quest?
as the knight, now merely a dying man, lies in bed at the end of the movie, his squire and his lady remind him of the ideals, the dreams he once dreamt, and more essentially, the success those dreams had. each time i watch it i lean slightly forward, hoping he will remember, wanting him to believe even though i know it's not true. why? because the only thing worth dying for is change--bringing life into the way it should be, the way that was lost so long ago in a garden.

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" ~from I Cor 13, the Msg

His heart is good

II Samuel 12.20-22
David got up from the floor, washed his face and combed his hair, put on a fresh change of clothes, then went into the sanctuary and worshiped. Then he came home and asked for something to eat. They set it before him and he ate. His servants asked him, "What's going on with you? While the child was alive you fasted and wept and stayed up all night. Now that he's dead, you get up and eat." "While the child was alive," he said, "I fasted and wept, thinking God might have mercy on me and the child would live."
When I want something I often don't ask, not because I don't think it's valid but I doubt that the one I'm asking loves me enough to give it or to change their course simply because I am asking. David knew that God abounded in lovingkindess, that He was good to those who didn't deserve it, and moreover that He loved David specifically. Therefore David, even though he knew he had sinned, asked. And when God still said no he worshiped.
When I say, "Your will be done", do I really believe His will is the best? and for my good? If indeed I believe His heart is good, personally for me, then I will ask--believing that what He chooses will be the very best.

word of the day

barbed arrows

dan and jodie wrapped up class until september...the following are some thoughts that hit home and are chaffing within...
*first we must have covenant, commitment to one another, for the love thing to work
*"unity is a condition, not a goal"--"maintaining the oneness (that all parties agreed on in the covenant) brings maturity"
*love is a deliberate choice...and should be visible
*so then i ask the question: what to do when the other party(s) decide not to continue in the covenant?
*well, back to earlier lessons, i am to love as Christ loved/s me: unconditionally; this includes loving when the other person doesn't love me back
*ask the question of the other person: "what do you need in order to be loved today?"
*with the note: "if you are under someone's judgment it is almost impossible to remain in relationship"
*remember: God never changes. therefore, His command to me to love my neighbor doesn't change. and so, somehow, i can grow in loving even if i don't feel loved back, and even if i don't want to.

a day late...

psalm 88

God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.

I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?


I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.

the hollywood theatre

(26 june 2009)

unique facade captures eyes
within the city's bustle
old-time feel
in the midst of progress
slanting floors
curtained walls
seats upholstered in 26
echoing when the movies pause
of times and tears long past
a different age
life booming
cities growing
while today people hurry by
ignoring the smile
a hopeful yesterday
in the gloom of tomorrow

signs of the times

...love cools, friendship falls off, brothers divide: in cities, mutinies; in countries, discord; in palaces, treason; and the bond cracked 'twixt son and father. [...] We have seen the best of our time: machinations, hollowness, treachery, and all ruinous disorders, follow us quietly to our graves...